caneabel

cain and abel were brothers one god loved the other he ignored so cain slew abel simple as that I don’t know how he did it don’t remember my bible because its been a long time I just remember the story you know the way it can be and the moral give to god the best of what you have or he will cast you out but even if you do give him the best of what you do he will ignore you and instead torment your brother then when cain raises his hand god will let it fall and you will be dead and cain will be marked but given certain protections and a long life and many children for what he did and can we be any different we who think we are so far above animals but really are we

I used to love the world all the things in it but something has always felt wrong I could never put my finger on it just a pall or shadow that obscures something that I should see I always wonder if when we die that shadow is lifted and we can see whats behind it does god vouchsafe us that moment or is that too hidden in the end

in my dreams some struggle is occurring and its on the level of a lord of the rings struggle good and evil order and disorder all sorts of portents and cataclysms and a world that doesn’t quite hold together its disturbing and yet night after night I climb into it and crave these dreams wishing that I could remember better wishing that there was someone to tell them to but nobody listens anymore nobody sits down with me and says eric what did you dream about nobody says I’ll meet you there in your dreams like that girl who was she once did I don’t remember her name she was kind of punk and out of place it was a small group we had there that winter and I was glad she was there I used to daydream about her and once I told her so and she said lets try to meet together in a dream so far away there is a room I dream about she said so meet me there and she described the room to me I thought I could find it in my dreams and for night after night all that winter everytime I tried to dream I looked for that room and although sometimes parts of it would show up usually a rug a big oriental carpet and sometimes a strange balinese marionette puppet I never succeeded in finding the room or in meeting her there strange that I can recall her face and the strange coat she wore and the cigarettes we sometimes shared in the snowy moonlight by the frozen lake but I don’t remember her name cynthia perhaps something like that also around that winter were richard and roger and boyle and liz but I don’t remember her name damned if I do

I was in carlisyle once and it was warm it was a dream place not a real place it was a town by the sea and there were long boardwalks and tunnels going from place to place in that place as in many dream places I can fly but effortlessly like feather on the breeze but with utter control of where I’m going

I remember a dream about uncle jack he was in the backyard of a house which isn’t the house he lived in in phoenix but a different house but I always knew it was his house in dreams and he was mowing the lawn with a push mower I flew out the back window and called out to him – look uncle jack look at what I can do I’m flying and I’m wide awake but he didn’t hear me he never looked up in those dreams

sometimes my parents were there too just like uncle jack and they would never look up either even though it was an incredible feat to fly like that

one time I remember driving away from someplace in a red datsun stationwagon and my father was chasing me with a flamethrower which splattered fire on the rear windsheild later in that dream there was a nuclear explosion and we were all forced to hide out in a mall where everyone could fly but for some reason I stayed on the floor which was covered with snakes of every size shape and color some of them were mating by leaning together and then using the pressure to push them upright so that they looked like tall grass waving in the wind

another mall dream that comes now and then is a mall which I recognize as being in harvard square but only the dream version of it and I’m always looking for the empty shop that is mine

sometimes I go back to a place I used to love but find all the nature is gone and replaced by some big military complex or else a college of some sort I usually see richard there but he is too busy to be bothered by me

sometimes I think that I am in rome

sometimes I walk and walk in the dreamtime like I did when I was in college walking in the dark night and whistling classical music as I walk I can even hear the dogs bark they way they did when I really walked there and I can see the mist over the benches in the park and the moon with a big orange ring around it

sometimes I dream of the english girl and we meet someplace in london because I am travelling and she takes my hand over a restaurant table and says don’t you think we should marry don’t you think we should marry I wake up saying yes before realizing that I’ve never met that english girl and that I would marry her in a heartbeat if I ever met up with her in the real world

some things in dreams are a simple and clean as that even though I have no history for or with her she emodies love of the deepest kind and I would marry her in a heartbeat if I ever met up with her in the real world

sometimes I just see lights or strange balloons

sometimes I make love to strangers

sometimes I am a sculpture made out of wood in the shape of a man but carved from the same piece that I am laying on in this dream I can feel the trees all around me as if their limbs and leaves were a part of me as if I can extend my mind out into them only to feel the flames as evil men rampage through the forest with torches setting fires as they roam

I rarely dream of people I know in the real world

when I do they are usually in a different room and I can hear their voices or even talk to them but I never see them they never enter my presence nor I theirs

I have dreamed once or twice about my friend Kyle – usually he is onstage playing music and I am waiting to take the stage to play my set

when I think about being a child I am always alone

where was my brother and my sister on those days when I got home early and mom wasn’t there and I went crying to aunt frances into her frigid airconditioned house where she let me watch jonny quest on the color teevee until mom finally returned from whatever errand she was doing

I remember being outside alone and mom had locked the door for some reason and I was in the backyard and even though I was toilet trained I crapped my pants and cried because I was ashamed and felt the warm ball of shit there in my pants against the side of my leg finally she let me in after I cried and hollered for awhile

I was lying in a bed not a crib and the nurse picked me up and raised me up and tickled my belly then flipped me over and jabbed me in the ass with a needle and after that I was always afraid when she came in even though I don’t remember her jabbing me ever again

I do remember that time seemed to move very quickly and that it puzzled me in its movement I lay in that bed watching the shades open and close open and close or ac tually I think they were venetian blinds

I remember a hospital room with a toy that was gears in some kind of tray a fisher price thing designed I guess to teach the abstract principles of differential gears to near infants

I remember having the croup and mom taking me into the bathroom and running hot water to fill the air with steam

it rained outside and I went into the kitchen to see big black beetle all over the place mom called them water bugs she went around killing them with a rolled up newspaper and when she smashed them they became piles of white powder

my brother accidently cooked his turtle and mine only my sister’s turtle survived but it grew and grew until it was too big even for the big swimming pool rim that we set up in the backyard for him

it was a very big turtle with striking red splashes on the side of its neck